How Much Do You Control Your Kids?

Photo: Capt Kodak

Steve Olson wrote a great post entitled “Giving Children Freedom and Self-Control“. As a father of a 7-year-old and a 3-year-old I could relate very closely with the subject matter of Steve’s post.

I have to admit, I sometimes have difficulty acknowledging the line between controlling my children and letting them control themselves. As each long day drags on, that line gets blurrier and fuzzier and I’ll usually find myself getting irritated with my oldest when, for example, I ask her to do her nighttime routine — which includes picking out clothes for the next day, brushing her teeth, picking out her night-time music, getting into her PJs and getting her book ready to be read.

The nights when I feel I have extra patience and ask her to do it with a general request, such as “do the usual bedtime stuff,” without initially cracking the parental whip. It more often than not ends up with me regretting the attempt to allow her to manage herself. So what usually ends up happening is I get irritated and have to micromanage her time.

“Why aren’t your teeth brushed yet?”
“Have come you still have not picked out your jammies?”
“I’ve asked you three times already to pick out your book and music! Please just go do it!”

Steve Olson’s post was a great reminder that this is all part of parenting.

So the only real control is self-control, and that is what I believe parenting is about, instilling self-control and helping them understand that they own their decisions. There is no one to blame. I will teach them that you control your destiny through your decisions. If you are afraid a friend will call you a pussy unless you steal, the decision to steal is still yours. If your teacher tells says you will fail unless you turn in your assignments, the decision to turn in the assignment is yours.

I agree with Steve and my hope is that I’ll be more fluid and realize that a big part of parenting is being persistent in teaching your children that “…the only legitimate form of control, self-control.” When you think of it, none of us want to live in a totalitarian environment, so what makes us think our children could thrive in that same type of environment?

I highly recommend you go and read Steve’s post. Let him know what you think!

3 Responses to “How Much Do You Control Your Kids?”

1. Steve Olson says:

   June 26, 2008 at 1:15 pm

   Dan,

   Thanks for the link up. I’m glad you can relate to the post. I thought I knew a lot about parenting before I had kids, and I have discovered I knew almost nothing. I’m learning as I go and just trying to share it with others.

   I do the same thing you do with you older daughter. I micromanage bedtime. But I’ve been telling my oldest son (six years old) that I do it because to do something great you have to do lots of little things well. So to have a great life it is the little things that matter most. We watched Tiger Woods win the U.S. Open and I told him that Tiger was great because he does all the little things perfectly and that gives him time to focus on the big things. His stance is right, his grip is right, etc. He had to get the little things perfect before the great things came. There are no shortcuts.

   Thanks again,
2. logtar says:

   July 1, 2008 at 3:09 pm

   I love Steve’s blog… have to visit it more often (when do I really have time.)

   This subject has been in my head a lot as of lately… owning your decision, your choices, your feelings.

   It is hard to realize that when someone in your life does not reinforce a behavior, it does not make that behavior good or bad. We are so used to waiting for someone to acknowledge our actions that sometimes we do things for others instead of for ourselves.

   Kids are great teachers in this sense, they make us see how they are affected by us and the environment and allow us to put things into new perspective. Something similar to what is postulated here, I experienced when I saw a kid blame everything but himself for various failures only to realize that he had been programmed that way.

   Great post… lots to discern from it, and not just from a parent perspective.
3. wookieluv says:

   July 14, 2008 at 1:50 pm

   It’s a very gray/fuzzy area when it comes to letting your kids fail. It’s how they should learn, by failing but our instinct is to not let them. I have a 10 yo and a 13 yo so my experience is growing day to day. I used to micro-manage at their younger years but now I give standing orders as mentioned, “get ready for bed”. While most of the time it works I do have to check. Mostly, for me I have to be diligent in all aspects of their lives. That’s hard for me sometimes as my laziness and complacency takes over and let things slide….

   What conclusions I’ve come to raising my kids is I DO have to let them make their own decisions but I need to TELL and SHOW them the consequences for doing said actions or inactions. I think with some certain societal views is that we need to constantly give our children positive reinforcement and that they can DO anything they want and always succeed/win. I believe that type of view is hurting kids internal thought process of finding who they are and what they are capable of. Real life dictates they will fail, a lot. I try and not sugarcoat Life to them. I state from my experiences the cause and effect and hope what I teach/taught them comes into play for making the right decisions.