Photo: DrTeeth
After we all had found out that Ethan would not make it, our concern grew for my sister’s well being. While she is pro-choice, she also knew that she did not want to violently end her unborn baby boy’s life. An appointment was made, as late as doctors would allow, for her to undergo a procedure to remove the baby. Their concern was that, in many cases, if a baby will not survive and is rampant with infection, that infection could spread to the mother and jeopardize her own health.
There are varying opinions as to why the decision was made, but the doctors referred her to another facility to work with them on removing Ethan.
This other place was an abortion clinic. Yes, that’s right. They sent a devastated mother and father to an abortion clinic to have their 5 and a half month old unborn baby boy removed. As already mentioned, my sister is pro-choice, but this deeply upset her.
Ethan passed away on his own the Sunday before the procedure. A follow-up appointment the next day confirmed that he was gone. For everyone, this made the upcoming procedure more tolerable. Later that week, the doctor and nurses carried out a Dilation and Evacuation (D&E) procedure which, in and of itself, was extremely physically and emotionally taxing. My sister has written about her experience and, one day, maybe she’ll share it. Suffice it to say, it was a miserable experience for her, where she was left apologizing for her sobbing, while “young girls” looked at her like she was crazy.
Mourning
I find my comfort in knowing that Ethan was strong and he went on his own terms! He came and went on his terms… in his way.
Mourning the loss of a loved one is a miserable pilgrimage we will all have to make eventually. Try as we might to avoid it, one day life will charge out of nowhere and body-check us off of our current path and onto another we are wholly unprepared for.
Having been so close to the epicenter of a tragedy like this, it became crystal clear how a situation like the one my sister and brother-in-law went through, can tear apart a marriage. The reason is both simple and infinitely complex at the same time — everybody mourns and grieves in their own way.
Some people let their emotions overcome them right then and there. They need to move past the emotional aspect before they can get to a place where they’re ready to think logically about their situation.
Other people bottle their emotions up and try to process and analyze things before they let the emotional beast roam free.
There are, obviously, more ways that people handle the unimaginable and I’ve noticed that almost everyone feels bad for how they, individually, grieve.
Remembering these three things will help:
- Nobody should tell you how to handle grief and your emotions.
- Mourning and grieving is a natural process and the only danger is when that natural process turns into Depression.
- You must remember that not everyone mourns and grieves the same way you do. This does not mean they are hurting any less — they are just hurting differently.
My Grieving Process
Friends and family have asked me how I’m holding up and they seem concerned when I tell them “I haven’t let myself deal with it yet.” Immediately, I think, their assumption is that I’m in denial about the whole thing. But nothing could not be farther from the truth.
A key part of handling the loss of life, or any other tremendous loss, is knowing how you, as an individual, naturally mourn. Once you know what is normal for yourself, that process becomes easier.
For me, I don’t mourn until I’m sure those around me are handling a situation okay.
For example, a few years back, when my parents decided to move from Santa Rosa, CA, my hometown, to Boise, Idaho, it was definitely heartbroken. At the time, my primary concerns were that my parents were doing what they felt was best for them, regardless of what we all wanted, and that my children and nephews were handling the change alright. Once I was sure they were fine, my secondary concern was wanting to make sure my parents arrived at their new home in Boise safely and were completely moved in. Almost as soon as they assured me, over the phone, that they were moved in and arrived just fine, that’s when the tears really came and I finally let myself go through the emotions of my mom and dad moving away.
With the loss of Ethan, it’s the same process. Once I’m sure that those around me — my sister and her family, my wife and kids, and my parents — are on the upswing, I’m sure that will be when I start to really deal with this. Writing has helped me put things into perspective and has helped clear my mind a little bit which I think will help.
More To Come…
Related:
Cause I’m As Free As a Bird Now… Part One
If you’re like me, the genius of George Orwell was lost upon you when you were sitting in your high school english class, counting the seconds until freedom and scratching your initials into your desk, while you were supposed to be reading and appreciating classics like “Animal Farm”
